For Granted

Today a year ago would mark the day me and Antoine got in our 1st fight ever. We have had minor arguments before, like if he dated my cousin before etc. But this argument was THE BLOW UP. The whole thing was quite silly if you ask me. I personally felt like it was he say she say type shit. Not so much, but there were alot of outside influences. The outside felt like we should have BEEN had sex. When I felt like if it happened it happened. That no one should dictate when we gave ourselves to each other. I was more hurt that he was pressing the line on me because people were running their mouths how he hadn't ever hit this. Plus he was just getting out, or attempting to get out of a relationship with his baby mama. I didn't just want to jump in there. They had history as well. Maybe not as long as ours, but still. They shared a child! I try to never involve myself in any one's relationship. I would hate for someone to do that to me. What goes around comes around. To top it off, he had her name tatted. It was funny that me and her shared a common name. I used to tease him like dang u missed me that much you went and got some one with the same name. lol





I remember visiting Harlem as a pre-teen, and meeting him. I'm not sure what year. But we went waaaaay back. Everyone knew we liked each other, but was a Valley Girl && he was a thug. He was waaaaaaaay younger. But his age never mattered. He was grown in his own way. He became a man early in the game. Probably because he had to live in the streets, and fend for himself. I always told him that when we got older we would date. Older he got. LOL. Me and him started dating in like 2004, and he went to juve. I wrote him the entire time. I think this is where his desire for me grew into love. He said I was the only person there for him, and he always bragged on how he felt when he received the letters. I faithfully wrote him. He got out, and we eventually lost contact. I was 18 with a brand new convertible Mustang learning myself, and he was simply trying to eat. He continued living in a group home, and started running the streets more and more. Getting back into his old habits.


Every time I would visit my fam in Harlem, I would desperately roam the neighborhood for him. Asking everyone and their mama had they seen him. Most of the time finding him, on 39th, in the back house playing video games. Upon hugging, we would be in love again for that moment. Until we lost contact again. Antoine had the worst memory ever LOL. Remembering numbers. SMH. I remember writing my number on the rim of his fitted hats plenty of times. :) The outsiders teased him on how he spent money on me, and has never ever felt my insides. The more they teased him, the more he pressured me. And the more I feel back. Because I felt like the only reason he wanted it was because they laughing cuz he aint got it. Which to me was a slap in the face. Although they were around him more, I provided something different.





So a year ago today, I went to visit him with my aces ( Krystle && Kells). He had just got into it with his baby mama, and was already having a bad day. the conversation came up about sex again, and then the argument started. He was on offense and I was on defense. Protecting my goodies. Like how dare you. I remember him telling me that he wanted THIS lil shit playfully. Or my cousins telling me he said he wanted my lil shit. As we arrived, I knew he was already upset, and instead of trying to console him, I teased him with the crowd about getting punched on by his baby mama. I added fuel to the fire. Words were said, the argument turned big, and I would leave the block mad at him, and he was mad at me. I gave him some money because I said I would because like a week before she had cut up his ALL his clothes and shoes (thousands of dollars worth of shit. he lived for clothes) Giving him some money wasn't nothing. He had began giving me hundreds of dollars at a young age. He brought my 1st Uggs ever. I was simply returning the favor. So I gave him the money and me and my friends left. He called back on my cell, but I was already roaming having a good time some where else. The fact that I didn't come back added MORE fuel to fire.


The next day, I went and spent the night with him. He thought it would be something special, but it def wasn't. Him and our BFF was also there, and too drunk to go home. I slept on the right in his arms, and he slept holding me, and D on the left. He was sooooOoo mad D didn't leave. LOL. D wanted me to sleep in the middle, and Antoine said hell no. D was like if it was one of my girls, you would want her to sleep in the middle. He was like well THIS aint yo girl. He was not having it. I didn't see anything wrong with sleeping in the middle. D was supposedly my BFF too, and he was def his BFF, so why not. Antoine was not having it. Of course i sided with D, and that made him even mad. Our sleeping arrangement did not change. On one small as bed. LOL. D, Antoine, && me. He said he wasn't talking to me, and I said the damn same. On Yew Mad!?! That minor dumb ass shit turned into days, and then those days, turned into a week.






He called me the night he was killed, and I was extremely tired from work, I rushed him off the phone. He told me he loved me, and i said i love you too. He said do you mean it, and I said yes Antoine I love you. Im going back to sleep. Through out the night my phone kept ringing with calls from my cousins number that he hung with. I didnt answer because I figured it was him inside the party drunk. The calls continued, and at 6 am, I finally answered the call from my cousin Ronique.

her: Kita I have something to tell you. are you sitting down
me: Im laying down. why y'all keep calling me?
her: Its about Antoine
me: he went to jail AGAIN
her: No.
me: What then?
her: He's dead
me: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

2 minz of silence.

her: Cousin are u ok?

That's all I remember. It was 9 days from the day we had that damn fight. Our 1st fight. I dread my Bday coming because I dread the reminder of his death. R.I.P. Antoine B. Marshall. I wish I hadn't took that week for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised.

side not; of course I'm listening to our jam : Without You - Mary J Blige
pix taken on his birthday 2-28-09